Clamming Up

So, longtime no post... is what I'd say to me if I was following my blogs. Its been a month of struggle against accepting what is. I want things to be different. One word I'd not use for myself is "content" right now. I'm not. I thought I'd have been with my beloved months ago and still, I'm not. I thought money would no longer be a haunting problem but yet, it is. Contentment...no. However, Faith, I'm doing better with, usually. There are good days, and bad days. What is my Faith?? Its in knowing that all will be provided. That when I can't see the reason for what is happening today, its knowing that a greater reason IS there and when I'm ready to see it, I will. The answers are always there, always, I know that. I have seen that proven enough times to not need more proof, only to go to Faith. I know if I hold a ball and drop it, it will fall to the ground, I don't have to drop it to know that. With that same knowing, I know the answer is there, when I am ready, I see it. I have gratitude for that, tremendous gratitude.

Panic and Calm

You've been commissioned to paint the Sistine Chapel!!! What do you do, where do you start??? Do you go look at your paints, brushes and other tools to see if you have what you need?? Do you practice painting on other things, to make sure your skills are at their best? Do you go and study other church paintings, to see what may be expected of you??? I suppose, you do a blend of all these things. How do you stop yourself from panicking though? A long pause. I was typing away, I get to that question, and I stop, there is a long pause. When I don't know an answer, or when my brain doesn't know it, I have learned there is a way to find that answer, a place where it is sitting, waiting for me. The Silence. I've not been very silent lately, I've been so many other places with my mind, but I've not quieted it much lately and allowed myself to listen. Listen, my soul cries out to me, be silent and listen. Allow the answers to bubble up, ease the pressure so they float to the surface. The answers don't come by forcing them, they come by gentle allowing. Be still and allow.

Feelings

Ups and downs, ups and downs!!! I've been letting myself ride a elevator far too much lately. OK, certainly, things that happen around us are going to effect us, trigger those emotions, but how do we allow that to happen without being controlled by those fickle things??? We get good news, we're happy, we get bad news, we're miserable??? What is this all about? Each Sunday I affirm that I believe there is ONE Power, One Presence in me, and in the Universe, God, The Good, Omnipotant. Now, I say this because I truly believe it. If Good is Power for that is what I'm saying and there is one Power, why am I not always feeling Good, and its Power? Sigh, its simple, my silly little brain has this ability to tell me that whatever I'm feeling, is what is real, and time and time again, I believe it. What my brain thinks/feels, I listen to and make my reality. So, what is the solution? Reminding myself, daily, frequently, sometimes a few times an hour of the Truth. There is One Power and One Presence, in Me, and in the Universe, God, The Good, Omnipotent. Now, how does THAT feel?

Review of the Day

Another day has passed, work was done, meals were eaten, conversations had and what is left? What was gained? What do we want out of a day? How do we judge if we had a "good" day or a "bad" day? I suppose in the end we judge it by those fickle things we call "emotions". Did it feel good to us? Did we have conversations that left us happy, satisfied?? How were our meals, did we enjoy them, we they well made? Our work, did it go well, did we get the emotional satisfaction we wanted from it? How about going not by what we felt about what happened to us, those external forces we have no control over... how about deciding by how loving we acted today. Did we treat others as we would like to be treated? Did we see someone do something that might annoy us easily, but instead allow for a difference without taking it personally? Did we have to do something on our job we don't like and instead of feeling "put upon" to do it, take the chore on with joy for the chance to help someone instead. Did we climb on a crowded bus with tired feet and instead of being upset there were no open seats, think how wonderful it was not to have to walk? Did we look or act or think lovingly today? When I think of a loving day I think that is the kind of a day worth having.

Real Eyes (God Glasses)

Some time ago, while reading a book by Eric Butterworth in a discussion group at my church, we discussed the word "realize". I believe it was suggested in his book that we look through "God glasses" or through "Real Eyes" to see what is truly in front of us. I had a chance to do just that recently. It has been my "story" that due to choices I have made in my life, that I had "lost" my family. Well, I came to understand that such was not the case, I had not lost them, I was not seeing them through "real eyes". I will say that as yet, there is no working relationship to those I wish most to have one with, but as of last night, I came to see, yes, I "real-eyezed" that I had not lost them all. I was blessed last night with one of those spectacular "God moments", or synchro-Divinity occurances. I was moved (OK, pushed maybe?) to attend an event I had, until this weekend, had no desire to attend. While there, I made my discovery, someone special from my family was there and we had a wonderful reunion. While a bit rocky at first, it turned around to be a very special time. To go from believing one is rejected and unwanted, to "seeing" that the Truth is that there is love and acceptance waiting, if one knows where to look, was a wonderful revelation.
Real Eyes, God Glasses... they are a wonderful blessing to use!! Thank you G, your acceptance, love and compassion meant the world to me, I'm filled with gratitude!!

Changes and Accepting Gifts

What is life but one big transition? Isn't it basically about change? Do things ever really stay the same and when they do, don't we start to feel a bit restless during those times of seemingly "sameness"? Well, I'm in the middle of much transition, out with the old, in with the new! I'm learning to let go of things so that my hands are open and ready to receive new blessings. To the many who have and are helping me during this time, my heart overflows with gratitude. Thank you for your physical help, emotional help and spiritual help. You have all held me up when I couldn't do it on my own and helped me to remember, we're not supposed to be independent of each other, we are supposed to be ready with our gifts, developing them and preparing them and looking for ways to share them with others. Allow help from time to time to come into your life, it humbles you and prepares you so much more to be ready to give it when the opportunity comes along.
Thank you everyone.

Being Prepared

"Wait, my beloved, I have more for you to take with you." Why is it I feel so anxious to "get on with things" and in my impatience, I don't look around me and realize what I need first. I am so glad for a loving, guiding "hand" that points to things I need, not allowing me to run blindly out the door but makes sure I am ready first. I have been so anxious to proceed to my beloved, I have focused on one aspect of our needs. Source, Universe, Love, however, has made sure we're really ready. When we become one, we will do so with a wholeness we wouldn't have otherwise known. I feel like we're on a crash course to a higher consciousness to prepare us. One day, I'm going to learn to trust the process without the panic/fear/alarm that I go through now. My end prize will be an inner peace that none can disturb, as soon as I can remember to Trust, Allow, Flow, and always know, In It, I Live and Move and Have My Being.